When the Unthinkable Happens
to You: 7 Things That Helped Me
Discovering Claire’s cancer
was one of the most pivotal moments of my life. I had so many thoughts, one of
which was, “Things like this don’t happen to me.” I’m sure others have had this
thought when faced with an insurmountable challenge. If you are one of those
people, or if you will be someday, here are a few things that I’ve learned:
1.
Find
gratitude for whatever makes it ‘enough’:
“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It
turns what we have into enough, and more.” - Melodie Beattie
Throughout Claire’s treatment, when I
was feeling grateful, everything seemed to be better than it actually was.
Instead of feeling angry about Claire’s disease, I felt grateful that we only
lived 3 miles from one of the best children’s hospitals in the nation. Instead
of feeling cramped when my mother-in-law, then sister, lived with us in 1200
square feet of space for a combined 12 weeks during those first 6 months, I
felt grateful that they were both willing and able to serve us. Instead of
being angry with God, I felt grateful that He trusted that I could endure the
trial and become better. Gratitude made whatever I had at the time enough.
What can you find to be grateful for?
Cling to it with all that you are, and ask in prayer for help to see any good thing.
2. Let it go:
The idea that you have a normal life is
over. At one point during the most intense parts of Claire’s treatment, I
looked down at the kitchen floor. I was flabbergasted at what I saw. LAYERS of
food caked the linoleum under the table. With a toddler and a baby, it was
probably only 3 or 4 days worth (okay, maybe a week), but it was disgusting. Despite
the gross factor, it had to be okay.
I had been at the hospital everyday with Claire that week for rounds of chemo.
I had to let go of any embarrassment I felt that the babysitter saw my house
like that because . . . it didn’t matter.
Not that week. I give you permission to stop cleaning your house, or whatever
it is that falls to the bottom of your priority list.
3.
Ask
for help:
If something really overwhelming has
appeared in your life, then something else will have to give. It might be your
normally clean house as was my case. It might be yard care, or car maintenance,
or bill paying. When we initially came home with Claire from the hospital,
Dustin and I both panicked that some germ lurking somewhere would make her sick
enough to be hospitalized. This was a real concern. Claire’s immune system was
completely gone. I worked up the courage to ask my visiting teachers to
organize a cleaning group to come to my house to sanitize every single surface
– door knobs, window tracks that might have harmful mold, every wall and
ceiling, furniture, cabinets inside and out, etc. It was a big job that would
have felt too overwhelming for me to tackle on my own in those front line days.
A group of 6 or 7 women came and took the house by storm. It was amazing. Ask.
4.
Take
Control:
I heard the words, “Let me know what I
can do” many, many times in those first weeks and months. I usually didn’t have
an answer for them. I knew that the offer was sincere, but I didn’t know how to
ask for help. Dustin on the other hand was an expert. If someone said that to
him, he always gave them an assignment right away. He asked for yard care,
babysitting, dinners on clinic days, etc. If you asked, Dustin had something
for you. Most often, I was the benefactor of his requests. I learned a great
lesson from that. Although it doesn’t feel that helpful when someone says, “Let
me know if I can help,” it can be, if you decide it is.
Make a list of things that someone else could
do. Keep the list in your pocket. When someone asks what they can do to help,
and they will because they don’t know what you need, pull out your list and
give them an assignment.
5.
Accept
your circumstances:
Denial helps no one, especially not you.
One time, when Claire was hospitalized for neutropenia, we roomed with two
teenage boys. One had a cancer that was requiring severe rounds of chemo and
radiation to shrink the tumor. The other had an ongoing blood issue since
childhood. He’d been hospitalized repeatedly since he was a toddler. It was
easy to think we were more fortunate than they were – to downplay our own
difficult circumstances. DO NOT DO THIS. Comparing gets you nowhere. Recognize
your own difficulties and do what you can to make them better. Just because
someone else seems to have it worse off than you, that doesn’t mean you don’t
also feel overwhelmed, frustrated, pained, sad, angry, etc. Your feelings are
legitimate. Be honest about them.
6.
Shrink
Your To-do List:
Make your list like you normally would.
Then read it once. Then throw it away. You don’t have to do any of those
things. Maybe everyone knows of your difficulties so it’s easy to do this. Like
when I would apologize to someone for not calling them back in a timely manner.
Their response was almost always, “No worries. You’ve got a good reason.” They
were of course referring to Claire’s Leukemia. In many ways, this made it easy
for me to have lower expectations for myself. But, what if your difficulty is
private, but just as consuming? You still need to learn to say, “No.” You can’t
do the fundraiser. You can’t help with the wedding. You can’t volunteer for the
Christmas play. No one needs to know why.
7.
Confide
in a Friend:
For me, this was most often the Caring
Bridge blog we wrote to keep friends and family informed. Just writing the
words helped me to gauge where I was and how we were doing, but a thousand
times better were the comments and emails that would come after we had posted
an update. It was proof that someone cared. Someone was listening. Someone else
was hoping and praying for us to succeed. Other times, it was confiding
privately to a good friend. If your difficulty is not something you can share
publicly, I encourage you to find one friend who can keep a secret. A friend
who can listen and not judge. A friend who loves you.
Hint: If you are not currently ‘on the
front lines,’ I encourage you to BE the friend for someone who is. Believe me,
it will come back to bless you tenfold.
What has helped you when you are
hunkered down in the midst of challenges? I’d love to know.
See this post for advice for those of you who want to help someone who is currently on the front lines.
